


Jester and Beau Write a Porno

by petalSpitter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, It's very smutty and very rude, This is the crudest thing I've ever witten, You've been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-22 00:11:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14296485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petalSpitter/pseuds/petalSpitter
Summary: Pornography. The cure (and cause) of insomnia.





	Jester and Beau Write a Porno

Beau huffs, turning on the inn bed forcefully and starting out the window, then tossing again and looking at Jester, who’s idly doodly in her journal. Beau huffs again and turns, staring at the ceiling and trying to force herself to relax. The monks at the Cobalt Reserve told her forcing yourself to relax is counterintuitive, but she never listened at the time. Now, however, she was desperately trying to remember what they told her, and it comes back in a blink: Don’t force yourself into relaxation, give yourself a thought that will guide you to relaxation.

She wonders what Jester could be writing. Briefly, she lets her mind untangle and tries to flow through the waters of what she pictures Jester’s mind to be, imagining a parchment page filled with blue ink doodles and big, loopy handwriting adding notes to-  
  
Adding notes to what? What would Jester be writing? Goddamnit, now she’s wound up even tighter because she has no idea what Jester would be writing and it’s starting to irritate her that she doesn’t know even though she shouldn’t really _care_ because who is this chick, anyway?  
Beau sighs, dispelling all the rapid thoughts that ran through her head and turning to face Jester.

“Hey, Jester.”

“Oh?”  
  
“What’re you writing?”  
  
“I’m just telling the Traveler what we’ve been doing recently. I forgot to write yesterday and I have a really, really big backlog now.”

“Just that?”  
  
“Just that.” Jester nods.  
  
They dip back into silence, the scritch-scratch of Jester’s pen filling the room.  
  
“I thought you’d be writing a porno.”

“Oh? Oh! We can do that! Let’s do that!” Jester tosses the covers back, swinging her legs off the bed and turning towards Beau with a grin.  
  
“...You’re a lot more into this than I thought.”  
  
“Writing porn is fun!”

“...Exactly how much experience do you-? Nevermind, I don’t care enough.” Beau stretches and sits up. “It should be a really bad porno, like what Iva was writing,” Beau stands up and leans against the wall, slipping one shirt sleeve off her shoulder and posing seductively for an invisible suitor. “Well... Mr Puma, sir... I don’t know how I can afford thiiiiiiis...”  
  
“This book!” Jester jabs her pen towards Beau. “Caleb would be asking for a book.”

“Wait- why Caleb and Puma?”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“ _Why the fuck not'_ is right. It’s not like he’ll go to Chasity and find a copy of this on the shelf. Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him buy _anything_ but books for himself and trinkets for his cat” She undoes her top knot and rakes her fingers through her hair, trying to make it as messy as possible. “Sir Puma, I-” Beau clears her throat and drops her voice dramatically low. “Ja, Ja, Ja, Ja, Ja, Nein, Nein, Nein, Nein, I am ze Zimmerman and I don’t think I can afford this book, Mr Puma, are there any other ways to pay?”

Jester furiously scribbles something down before looking up at Beau, half lidding her eyes and speaking in an exaggerated baritone. “Well Mr. Windowgap, you see we have a-” Jester gasps. “Wait, wait, wait, important question, is this just the one Pumat Sol or all his uh- uhhh-” She wildly gestures with one hand as if trying to snatch the word out of the air.  
  
“His simulacrums?”

“Yes! Is this a simulacrum porno?!”  
  
“I dunno, that sounds hard to write. There’s so many bodies in one place you forget where things are going, then you end up with feet where shoulders should be, or put a dick in the wrong mouth and all this other bullshit- It’s way more work than it’s worth.”  
  
“Uh huh, uh huh, right.” Jester quickly writes a short paragraph, then speaks again in a thick accent. “Respectfully, Mr. Windowgap, I’ve sent all my simulacrums away for important Cerberus Assembly business. It’s all very important, you see, and they’ll all be very busy doing very important things for a very long time. While we have that time alone I’m sure we can come up with some form of alternative payment.” Jester looks at Beau very solemnly for a second before sputtering and bursting into laughter.

“It’s like Puma Sol himself was here!” Beau says.

“I know, right?”  
  
“Why even keep Fjord around when Jester, master impersonator in all the lands, is already here?” She throws her arms out in a gesture fit for a ringmaster, presenting Jester, the World’s Greatest Impressionist, to an invisible audience. Jester feigns coyness before soaking in the praise, waving to her imaginary admirers with a smirk before picking up her pen again.

“This is shit smut, though, and people in shit smut are _way_ too coy about sex. What did that lady- Uh, Iva! What did Iva’s shitty story say?”

“Oh, that story?” Beau sighs, thinking back to the work-in-progress. “Her story said... ‘Well, mister, are you absolutely sure you forgot your wallet at home? I think I can see it _bulging_ in your pocket. In fact, you look rather _well endowed_ in the financial department’ and a million other indirect references to his dick. I don’t think she actually knew how to spell ‘penis’.

“That’s super easy to spell, though.”  
  
“Who doesn’t know how to spell ‘penis’, honestly? It’s easy to sound out and doesn’t have any sneaky letters like a silent ‘E’ at the end or a ‘P-H’ where an ‘F’ goes. I’m not even sure Nott’s _literate_ and I think _she_ could spell it right on the first try.”

“I’ve seen her read over Caleb’s shoulder a few times- anyway, back to the porn. Maybe Pumat Sol would say... ‘Well Mr. Windowgap, are you _absolutely sure_ you have no ways of paying for this book on your person?’ And then- ummmmmm- and then Caleb says-”  
  
“-Then he drops his coat and says ‘Well, not _on_ my person, Mr. Puma, but perhaps _with_ my person?’” Beau mimes taking off an overcoat and poses for her invisible suitor, holding her position for a second before bursting into laughter and dropping back on her bed.  
  
“Yes! Just like that! And- And Caleb’s secretly really muscular and pretty and not wearing a shirt under his coat and-”  
  
“And-! And Pumat, too! He’s secretly ripped and covered in oil under that robe because everyone’s ripped in shitty pornos.” Beau bolts upright, pointing at Jester.  
  
“Exactly! Either that or they’re ‘painting in the du’Moure Archive’ skinny with huge boobs.” Jester cups the air around her chest before writing more of the soridid encounter and doodling a muscle-bound Pumat Sol in one corner.

“Then what happens? Every shitty smut I’ve read always tanks as soon as they’re both naked.”  
  
“Then they have sex, duh.” Jester rolls her eyes before her expression lights up. “Oh! Oh, oh, oh! They should do it on a table!”  
  
“Better-” Beau holds her hands out her emphasis. “We title this ‘Under the Table’.”  
  
“Yeeessss, that’s good! And then-!”

Their rhythm is broken by several quick, loud knocks on the door. “Jester? Beau? Has either of you seen my razor? Nott said she didn’t have it and I’m not dropping ten gold for a new one at the bathhouse.”

There was a beat of silence as the two processed the intrusion.

“Nope, haven’t seen it,” Beau said in a clipped tone.

“Go away! We’re busy!”

Mollymauk makes a face on the other side of the door, sensing something off behind their clipped tones. Wherever they’re doing, it’s none of his business, anyway.

He makes it his business anyway.

“...Am I interrupting something?”  
  
“No,” Beau says, again in a clipped tone.  
  
“We’re writing a porno!”  
  
“Damnit, Jester!” Beau snaps as Molly cackles on the other side of the door.  
  
“What? He would’ve thought we were fucking if we didn’t say otherwise! Besides, maybe he’s really good at writing porn.”  
  
“We’re not publishing this! It doesn’t need to be good, it just needs to be pure shit that keeps up entertained for a few- AH!” She feels a hand clap down on her shoulder and instinctively throws her elbow back, smashing it into a mystery nose as hard as she can. “ _Fuckmeyoucameouttanowhere_!”

She whips around to see Molly in a heap on the floor, bright red blood oozing through his fingers. He’s back on his feet before either of them can react, giving Beau a sour look as he rubs his slowly bruising nose. “Usually people say ‘I’m sorry’ right about now.”  
  
“How did you even sneak in? I can see the door!”

“Not a ‘sorry’, but I’ll pretend it was. Why’re you two writing a porno and how do I join in?”

“We’re bored and Beau couldn't sleep,” Jester speaks up. “Also your face is bleeding.”  
  
“Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.” Beau pauses. “Actually, it’s not. At all. So are helping or what?”  
  
“Well, what do we got?” Mollymauk asks,

“Oh! Here!” Jester presents her journal to Molly, leaning closer and closer as he reads what she’s completed, his expression shifting from intrigue to surprise to a bawdy grin as he reaches the end.

“Since they’re fucking over the table to make an under the table deal, you should call it-  
  
“‘Under the table’, already done,” Beau interjected.

“Damn, I thought I'd come up with something revolutionary.”  
  
“Should’ve lost your razor faster, buddy.” Beau shrugs and peers over Molly’s shoulder, skimming the current page. “You should put a few sparkles on Pu’s chest, Jester.”  
  
“Oh my goodness, that’s a great idea!” Jester snatches the book back, quickly surrounding the doodle of Pumant Sol with stars and highlighting his heaving pectorals with a few well-placed sparkles.

“Hey, since your Pumat- your Pornmat Sol has such a barrel chest do you think he could give a decent pecjob? Back in the circus, we had a strongman who made more money off that than the actual show.”

Beau twists her lips as she thinks. “Naw, I don’t think this is that kind of smut. Bad smut only how to put a rod in a hole so _we_ should only put rods in holes.”

“And of course it’s always absolutely perfect-” Mollymauk says.  
  
“-Even though they _never_ use enough lube-” Jester adds.  
  
“-Because clearly, an ass is just a vag on the other side, right Molly?” Beau says.  
  
“Right, Beau. They're _absolutely_ interchangeable.”  
  
“And of course you can always cram the entire cock up your ass in one go, no matter how small you are,” Jester says, adding a few more sentences to the smut.  
  
“Honestly, looking at Pumat Sol, _there’s no way in hell_ he’s small. Getting him naked would probably take ruining our business ties with him but a man _that tall_ and _that broad_  
isn’t walking around with a baby carrot.” Molly held up one hand, holding two fingers an inch apart.  
  
“Poor Caleb... He’s either going to feel it knocking around in his skull or we’ll have to find both halves of him in the morning.”

“Or both,” Jester says with a grin. “And we’ll put him in two graves. ‘Here lies Caleb Windowgap, dicked to death by a-HM!” Jester yelps as Beau slaps her hand over her mouth.  
  
“Hiiiii, Caleb.” Beau waves towards the wide-open doorway, plastering on a stiff smile. ”How long have you been there?”  
The man in question was frozen in the doorway, holding up Mollymauk’s gem-encrusted straight razor and looking at the trio with a pale, mortified expression.

Beau grabs Molly’s arm and pulls him close, hissing at him through clenched teeth.“You forgot to close the door!? How do you forget to close the door when you came in to talk about porn?!”  
  
“Maybe I didn’t sneak in as perfectly as I thought, okay?! ” Molly hisses back.

“ _Maybe_ ? Only _maybe_ ? Not _definitely?_ Or _absolutely didn’t sneak in as well as you thought_?”

“Uh, guys, Caleb’s gone.” Jester jabs her pen towards the open door.

Both of them whip their heads just in time to see Mollymauk’s bag slide into the room before the door slams shut with a BANG!, rattling the room and knocking a few poorly secured trinkets to the floor. There’s a short period of silence in the aftermath before Mollymauk shrugs.  
  
“His loss. If I heard people writing a porno about me, _I’d_ stick around.”  
  
“We can do that tonight!” Jester beams, already flipping to a new page and making a note.

“It looks you’re sleeping over tonight, anyway.” Beau jabs a thumb towards his pack, his formly missing razor hanging from a loop and idly sparkling in the candlelight.

“This is shaping up to be more interesting than nights when I’ve actually gotten laid so I consider that a win. Even if I have to sleep in the same room as you.” He jerks his head towards Beau.  
  
“Kiss my ass.”  
  
“Only if you ask politely.” He crosses his legs on the bed, leaning over Jester’s shoulder. “So we were in the middle of putting Pumat’s cock in Caleb’s ass, right?”  
“Yeah, and I was thinking we could...” She whispers in his ear and he grins, whispering back a trick he found out in Port Luyle during a particularly hot summer.

* * *

That morning, the trio came down for breakfast with two hours of sleep between the three of them, hand cramps severe enough to render them all left-handed for a few days, and a much stronger bond than they’d had the day before.

**Author's Note:**

> I still can't believe no one's written that saucy Caleb/Pumat Sol fic we've been vying for ever since his debut so I took matters into my own hands. And then realized I didn't want to write that unironically so I put that matter in someone else's hands.


End file.
